The REAL Story...

This is my two-part journal for the last days of June. I just want to share it to unload the burden within me. This is the true story about my college years. Questions why and where can be answer here.

Since I leave my former university--- wherein I spend one year of confusion--- many of my present colleagues ask me why I transferred and its twin question what is my course before? ---sigh My fresh act in my college years in Bulacan State University (BulSU) builds confusion on what I really wanted to be. It makes me weak and it cause me to be uninterested in my academic subjects, creating a dilemma on what are the things I need to give more importance rather to the lesser significant things. It results to an unequal studying and imbalance thinking that makes my grade fall to its lowest score. I do my best just to overcome this failing grades, but it’s too late for me. I cannot change and erase what I’m thinking of--- is this I really want to be? How will I act? How will I answer? How to be unique? Am I enjoying this? --- Those question makes me realize something ---I cannot cope Engineering if my heart wants something that I’ll never find when I get this profession. So what I do is to look for myself. I endure in psycho-illness called as Identity Crisis; it is a psychological sickness of searching oneself. It takes more than a year before I reach the facts that I need to know about me. But I know it isn’t enough to know what I need to know. It will take a thousand of days to search for the wholeness of me in order to know the 99% of my identity.

No one can ever find himself as fast as the furious thunder and lightning in the sky, or even as rapid as the wind in the middle of a hurricane. It takes a half of our life to know more then what we know about ourselves. The more you’re eager to know, is as the same as you feel the anxiety and depression you need to conquer. This is just the beginning; I certainly expect what I never expected to come.

No one will be able to foresee neither the things that I will do, nor the things that I usually thinking of. It’s not always what they say is the basis of my future on what I’m going to be. There’s a big difference between what they say to what they want me to be and to what they do for me to be who I am ---just like now. A big disappointment will occur if you choose the wrong one.

In my case, I start to stand up on what they say I will be. That is the easiest way how will I jive to the rhythm of the studying in college. I distrust my own confidence, and so the confusion encroach upon my intellectuality, making my freshmen years in Engineering becomes a hell of failing grades. Definitely, it’s the misconception that grows into my mind penetrates the question my head on why these all happens to me? Now you know the answer, it is just on the tip of my plight.

Handling this difficult situation challenge me to stay on what I’ve been started. And the only way I’m thinking of to overcome this labyrinth of my declining identity is to perish all the odd things and renew myself. It’s quite hard to do. I just discover myself in my own black propaganda, and the things around me can’t be changed in an easy way. There’ll be no application if I’ll just stand alone, putting myself in this old box. It’s arduous to push them for the sake of my own, for the betterment of my loosing hope, I need to rest for awhile and find a new life where I could start all over again.


The truth lies here. And it's not yet the end of this story. There's many more to untold. Find the real me on my nexts journal. It's more than what you know about me, it's a bunch of difficulties I absorbed and now realeasing to all the possible way I can--- as much as I can.


TO BE CONTINUED...