The REAL Story...

This is my two-part journal for the last days of June. I just want to share it to unload the burden within me. This is the true story about my college years. Questions why and where can be answer here.

Since I leave my former university--- wherein I spend one year of confusion--- many of my present colleagues ask me why I transferred and its twin question what is my course before? ---sigh My fresh act in my college years in Bulacan State University (BulSU) builds confusion on what I really wanted to be. It makes me weak and it cause me to be uninterested in my academic subjects, creating a dilemma on what are the things I need to give more importance rather to the lesser significant things. It results to an unequal studying and imbalance thinking that makes my grade fall to its lowest score. I do my best just to overcome this failing grades, but it’s too late for me. I cannot change and erase what I’m thinking of--- is this I really want to be? How will I act? How will I answer? How to be unique? Am I enjoying this? --- Those question makes me realize something ---I cannot cope Engineering if my heart wants something that I’ll never find when I get this profession. So what I do is to look for myself. I endure in psycho-illness called as Identity Crisis; it is a psychological sickness of searching oneself. It takes more than a year before I reach the facts that I need to know about me. But I know it isn’t enough to know what I need to know. It will take a thousand of days to search for the wholeness of me in order to know the 99% of my identity.

No one can ever find himself as fast as the furious thunder and lightning in the sky, or even as rapid as the wind in the middle of a hurricane. It takes a half of our life to know more then what we know about ourselves. The more you’re eager to know, is as the same as you feel the anxiety and depression you need to conquer. This is just the beginning; I certainly expect what I never expected to come.

No one will be able to foresee neither the things that I will do, nor the things that I usually thinking of. It’s not always what they say is the basis of my future on what I’m going to be. There’s a big difference between what they say to what they want me to be and to what they do for me to be who I am ---just like now. A big disappointment will occur if you choose the wrong one.

In my case, I start to stand up on what they say I will be. That is the easiest way how will I jive to the rhythm of the studying in college. I distrust my own confidence, and so the confusion encroach upon my intellectuality, making my freshmen years in Engineering becomes a hell of failing grades. Definitely, it’s the misconception that grows into my mind penetrates the question my head on why these all happens to me? Now you know the answer, it is just on the tip of my plight.

Handling this difficult situation challenge me to stay on what I’ve been started. And the only way I’m thinking of to overcome this labyrinth of my declining identity is to perish all the odd things and renew myself. It’s quite hard to do. I just discover myself in my own black propaganda, and the things around me can’t be changed in an easy way. There’ll be no application if I’ll just stand alone, putting myself in this old box. It’s arduous to push them for the sake of my own, for the betterment of my loosing hope, I need to rest for awhile and find a new life where I could start all over again.


The truth lies here. And it's not yet the end of this story. There's many more to untold. Find the real me on my nexts journal. It's more than what you know about me, it's a bunch of difficulties I absorbed and now realeasing to all the possible way I can--- as much as I can.


TO BE CONTINUED...

LIFE

LIVING IN FACTUAL EXPERINCES

Great days come without any sound of celebration. Just the happen and pass through as the clock do its job of running the time of our lives. It happens everyday in this world, with the billions of people having their special day here in the planet that is use as the path through the life after death.

Life doesn’t make sense, unless you owe to the one who gave birth at you, the place where your first sight remains in your heart, and the air you breathe while you’re crying out loud in the silence of time. It pays all the effort just to have you in this world. The pain and all the sacrifice already given just to have another life that remains in you, it’s in me, and in every people that is inhaling the same oxygen we breathe; and exhaling the waste that we altogether do for the sake of our living.

Life is the most important thing in this world, but it doesn’t make sense for those people whose ate their own entity as a human.

We still believe that life will continue its legacy as the most essential part of this world. As Leann Rimes stated in her song, “Life goes on, and it’s only gonna make me strong, it’s a fact once you get on board say goodbye cause you can’t go back.” And it’s true; you can not go back when your life started to roll its film strip. It’s a matter of two choices; live and die with it, or hate and die on it. No matter how cruel your life is, at the end of the day, the more important is that you deserve to have these great days you’re living in this world.

NATIONAL I.D. ISSUE

Wala namang problema kung ipapatupad ito. Mas Ok kung mapapatupad ito, kasi mababawasan ang mga tinatawag kong "Waling-Waling" o Walang hiya ng Lipunan (as in ang kakapal ng mukha para gawin ang mga di dapat gawin o yung makakasama sa ibang tao na mga gawain! Alam nyo na yun!)

Sa National I.D. System... malalaman natin kung sino ang mga bangag at ang mga matinong mamamayan sa maikling sandali. Ngunit di natin maitatangging maaaring magkaron ng mga pasaway sa lipunan... mga nasa posisyong nais kontrolin ang mamamayan sa pamamagitan ng I.D. system na ire. Gayundin ang maaaring maging kaganapan bago ito maipatupad.

Sa aking palagay kapag ito ay naayunan nang ipatupad, ay walang lilipas ng araw na hindi natin maririnig ang issue tungkol sa pangungurakot... Maraming pera tayong ilalabas sa panukalang ito, kaya asahan na natin ang kokontrol nito ay maiuugnay sa mga anomalya tungkol dito.

Sa kabilang banda, nais ko talaga itong maipatupad dahil sa: unang-una, ito ay pangkalahatang pagkakakilanlan natin bilang mamamayan ng Pilipinas. Maaari itong gamitin sa mga ahensyang pinapasukan, para iisa na lang kung sakali ang ating I.D...di ba? Ikalawa, di na natin kailangang maghagilap ng mga I.D. na kakailanganin natin sa mga instutution na nangangailangan ng dalawa hanggang sandamakmak na I.D. para ma-confirm na legal na TAO tayo sa Pilipinas. Isa sa kapansin-pansing halimbawa ay sa bangko pag magbubukas ng account, kinakailangan ng 2 ID, di pa kabilang dito ang Postal ID kung minsan. At ang huli ay mababawasan na natin ang lumalalang krimen sa bansa at madaling mahuhuli ang mga may "hindi magagandang trabaho" (pinaganda ko lang ang term, sana na-gets nyo!)

Ito lamang po ang aking nababanaag ukol sa National ID System...

ar'o
ar'o

BAKBAKAN SA RATINGS

Hindi ko alam kung bakit kailangang palalain ang issue na ito. Sa tingin ko lang, mga kasama... ang mga sangkot dito ay di na kailangang ipagsigawan na ganito-ganyan, iyun kasi-iyan kasi, mga tipong sisihan at batuhan ng mga walang kwenta sa mata ng viewer. Kung may naganap man na dayaan sa ratings, sana sa loob ng korte nila ito pag-usapan at hindi sa telebisyon. Napaka-impormal para sa akin ang pagegerahan ng dalawang estasyon sa mismong TV. Nakikigitgit sila sa issue ng bansa, what's the big deal kung pansinin natin ang mga ito??? E wala naman tayong mapapala, yayaman ba tayo pag sinuportahan natin ang isa kaysa sa isa? may txt promo ba kung sino ang mananalo sa kaso nila??? Kaya nakakainis pag pinapalabas nila ang mga sagutan nila sa patalastas, na sobrang walang kwenta !!!

Wala po akong kinakampihan sa dalawang TV station, lahat halos ng channel ay pinapanuodan ko kung may panahon ako. Pero sa aking pananaw ay di na dapat naglabas ang ABS-CBN ng mga balita ukol dito. Unang-una, kung dayaan sa rating ang issue at sila ang dehido, dapat ay nagsampa na sila agad ng kaso sa korte at di na muna pinadaan sa kanilang studio na ganito-ganyan--- sapagkat ayon na din sa kanila ay malakas ang kanilang ebidensya mula sa kanilang mga impormante, at hawak din nila ang salita DAW ni Maya Reforma ng AGB Nielsen na espisipikong sinabi DAW na kasangkot ang GMA sa dayaan. Ikalawa, nauna pa ang mga balita nila kaysa sa imbestigasyon... pinapatrolan ba talaga nila ang mga viewer nilang Pinoy o ang kanilang network na nadadaya DAW?

Sa panig naman ng GMA--- parang kawang-kawawa naman sila dahil napagbintangan sila na nandadaya, kesyo nakakarumi DAW sa kanilang iniingatang reputasyon at pangalan, at iba pang blah-blah-blah!!! OK lang naman pong alagaan nila ang reputasyon nang kanilang kompanya, ngunit huwag naman pong O.A., lalo na kung alam nilang wala silang masamang ginagawa ukol sa issue ng dayaan sa rating na yan! Di naman dahil doon ay mawawala na ang kanilang mga viewers, gusto lang nila sigurong masabi natin na nakikipaglaban sila "para sa mga kapuso"... (ewan ko lang po... pero parang pareho lang sila ng Kapamilya na ayaw mawala ang kanilang iniingatang investor na namumuhunan sa kanila...)[/I]

Nakakahiya naman pala kung ganun???

Kayo na ang humusga ukol dito... sari-sariling pananaw na lamang po yan, tungkol sa AGB Nielsen---sana sa susunod...ayusin nila ang pagkuha ng rate... :twisted:

At sa tatlong sangkot na to...

...AYUSIN NILA ANG BUHAY NILA!!!

ar'o

Tribute For Someone...

...i'm still hoping...

Its amazing how God made the man, mas lalo naman nang hugutin n'ya si Eba sa tadyang ni Adan. I never thought that the word amazing will be mine... dahil si God, ay nagbigay ng di ko inaasahan sa buhay ko.

Everyone deserves a gift called Love... love that lives on me... love that is an amazing gift from Him. I cherish all the memories na masasaya at kahit malulungkot. Every minute that was a very special one, every seconds na tila ayoko nang mawala pa...

No one know's how happy i am when this amazing gift gave on me. She's my all.The only one na nagbigay sa akin ng maliwanag na salitang "I'll love you forever"

Minsan makulit...

moody...

tapos biglang magiging sweet. She's definitely my world na aking inikutan, iniikutan at iikutan...

nagkagalit na din kami...

nagkatampuhan...

di nag-usap for a whole day...

pero nagtatapos ang lahat ng gulo sa salitang "Sorry, tae ka kasi e!"... then trembled in an all out laughing.

Ang mga paboritong manggang kinilaw na may bagoong na sawsawan...

barbecue na laging sunug pero di pa rin luto...

burger na doble-doble ang patties...

at ang laging bukambibig na cotton candy na melon flavor...

One of a kind. Para sa akin she's the ultimate person na nakatagal at buong puso akong minahal... Sana nakilala n'yo s'ya ng maaga. Silent type na maingay ang dating ng pinaka astig na regalo sa akin ni GOd...

akalain mong after 3 years, 11 months at 11 days...

hanggang dito na lang...

The greatest... amazing gift na natanggap ko last 4 years ago...

sana ay matanggap ko ulit ang regalong ito...

... ngayong Pasko.

All i wish this Christmas is a simple gift. She is my amazement and my life for the past years.
my einjhel... i'm hoping for this gift...

...again.

Ganito na ang Pinas

Talagang ganito na lang siguro ang Pinas...

Kanina sa aming NSTP sa baranggay San Vicente Siyudad ng Malolos Bulacan... paulit-ulit na sinasabi sa amin ng kagawad nila na hindi basta lungsod ibig sabihin ay may magandang mga establisyimento, magagarang bahay, malalaking daan, atbp na maganda sa paningin, dahil sa likod ng komunidad na ito ay may mas mahihirap pa tayong kababayan...

Nakita ko kung paano sila maglakad sa gitna ng kamatayan sa kanilang lugar, puro basura, maduduming estero, mga sirang bahay, nagkalat na mga malnourish na batang kristyano at muslim na tila wala ng knibukasan para sa kanila sa nasabing komunidad.

Nakakalungkot talaga, na kung iisipin pag walang trabaho ang isang padre de familia sa lugar na iyon ay maaaring ito'y kumapit sa patalim at pagsimulan ng isa na namang pinoy na nawawala ang mabuting asal at ang makatwirang pamantayan ng pamumuhay bilang isang tao. At kung hindi pa ito masusugpo sa ama ng tahanan, ay maaari pa itong kalakhan ng musmos na anak na sa pagdating ng araw ay maaaring ganon muli.

Sa aking palagay ay mas marami ang mga tao ngayong naghihirap na nasa lungsod kaysa sa mga nasa ibabang kabayanan... dahil akala ng tao, ang lahat ng oportunidad ay nasa lungsod, at iyan sa isang malaking pagkakamaling pinaniniwalaan kaya sila lumilipat dito at nakikipagsiksikan sa maliit na komunidad.

Sana lamang, sa aming munting programang gagawin sa komunidad na ito ay makatulong kami upang maiayos namin ang kanilang pamumuhay at maipagpatuloy nila ito ng mahusay... sana lamang ngayong Pasko mabawasan ang mga sirang Pilipino. Sana sa pagdating ng panahon ay maging totoo ang mga sinabi ni rizal tungkol sa kabataan. Sana lang ay may magbago...

Sana lamang... sana lang... sana...



ar'o

INSECURIETIES (Filipino Insekyuridad)

ar'o

INSECURITIES

Lack of confidence or assurance; self-doubt, ito ang ibig sabihin ng insecurity na nakuha ko mula sa dictionary sa web. Masyadong magulo ang araw na ito para sa akin sa palagay ko. Sinimulan ng isang panaginip na ayaw kong mangyari. Sa panaginip na iyon, ipinapakita ang pamamaalam ng inang ko. Hindi pa ako handang mangyari iyon. Hindi ko kaya. Sa jeep naman ay may lalaki na sumakay at sa tabi ko umupo, di ko alam kung bakit bigla na lang akong nawala sa sariling parang baliw at kung ano-ano ang iniisip kung bakit ganito, bakit ganon, ano ba ang kulang sa akin, ano ba ang dapat maging takbo ng aking isip, masyadong magulo, hanggang sa maisipan kong tumalon sa ilog. Syempre, kaya ko pang kontrolin ang sarili ko. Kahit na ganito akong kagago, gusto ko pa ding mabuhay. Gusto ko pang makapagliwaliw sa hiwaga ng buhay na ito. Marami pa akong gustong tunguhin at puntahan. Marami pa akong pangarap at mithiin sa buhay… kaso minsan napapagod din ako.

Kagabi, naisip ko si New. Bakit kaya ayaw kong pakawalan s’ya kay Fren? Di ko alam kung bakit. Ayokong sabihin that I fall again, I just whispered yesterday that another CR in the making ito. Pinahihirapan Niya ba ako? But I do believe in Him that He will be on my side. My faith will be my strength kahit na gaanong kahirap. Kaya lang sa dami kong paghihirap di ko alam kung ang lahat ng ito’y ako lang din ang gumagawa. Napagtanto ko na hindi N’ya ito binibigay sa akin, He just watched me and helped me, but He never did na bigyan ako ng problema, kasi if He did what was His purposed? For me to learned? Hindi din, kasi natututo din naman ako kahit walang problema o pagsubok, tyaka how does He gave this problem? If you will open your eyes in reality, one of the truth principles of life is that problem and/ or obstacles in life is an act of what we are doing and not what God did to us for us to learn. It means walang problema o pagsubok na binibigay talaga ang Diyos, bagkus ito’y atin lamang ginagawa, how foolish we are, but that’s the principle we live for, that God gave us a problem to strengthen us.

Back to the topic, it’s really hard to love someone without knowing him/her. Tapos na ako kay Old, but it feels like mahal ko pa din sya. Sumingit pa nga si Ex kanina while I’m preparing to school, minahal ko ba sya? Sa five months kayang naging kami ay minahal kaya niya ako ng totoo? What a foolish question? Hahaha… pero nung magkita kami last May, whattta… wala lang. Wohooo… its not the fact na nagselos ako, but I think parang ganoon na din yun.

(to be continued...)

Unveil the risk

ar'o
Once you love, ---hay! damn! Love again... can we talk more than the love topic??? it is an old topic that is changing only its memorandum and its way of surprising us... damn we fool of love! I always see her in our school, (campus ache) with my great friend! Yah... you think right! He is the boyfriend of the girl I truly love... but its over for me. But not the love I have for her. I'm hoping that my 'GREAT FRIEND' wouldn't build her up of problem. He promised me that he'll love her more than my LOVE for that girl. I'm fool, isn't it?

Is there any other time I will fall again? Like what I've felt last time and up to now i feel for her? Yes, I love her until now. But what can I say for my self... "Sorry, she's taken... by my FRIEND" OUCH! October 20, is the date i should keep with a promise that won't tell anyone that we are with each other. Watching movie, eat & dine. Did i gain my traitor ego? woooh! it's enough!

Today is November 27, 2006 (Monday) Full of guts by now... i wasn't able to comfort my real me, so that i'm now an empty man without nothing... Thank's to God, I'm still alive and have many good companions. My friends, classmates, relatives. I remember last semester, i cried hard. Why? I've lost one relative that is so close to me... my tita! That time, she comfort me. But lots thanks to my 'mejor', she didn't leave me and she gon with me.

I wanna show my real me, on how i treat the people around me. On how I LOVE that person with all my heart, with all of me. Say what you wanna say, but I'm good by being a friend and great by being a lover. Hope my life would be great as many war. Without even seeing God, do i need to conquer on who I am & the sufferings I felt recently? Leave it all the way guys... gracia amigo!

EVERYDAY

---an excerpt from ar'o----

LIGHT AND SHADES

My Eyes

I'm still not used to the shades. I scrutinize my eyes in the mirror, rolling it all over its sockets, just to see what my sister saw. She said I may be on my way to having pterygium, which, as I have explained, is the eye's excessive way of protecting itself from routine exposure to dust and sun, specifically UV rays.Had no luck. I didn't know what I was looking for. I thought everything there was suppose to be there. My eyes must've been a little to red in the wrong places or something.

***

An Accessory

I don't like wearing anything save for the basics. I'm not too hot on accessorizing. For one, I never liked wristwatches. I love those wooden bead necklaces, leather wrist straps with some piece of carabao horn, and other inspired and unique patterns. But little brother would almost always take my purchases to both wear and tear.I never got to piercing any body part. I just never figured which ear would say which gender I preferred. Or if the left or right nostril would signify anything like that. Tongue-piercing freaks me out. I mean, nothing but mami noodles and water for weeks? No thanks. I'd rather have my wounds elsewhere.No bracelets, no velcro, no bonnets, no hairclips, no belly-rings, no anklets, no nada. And no ring, for now.And until recently, nothing to impair my eyes.

***

Altered Egos

I don't like wearing shades. Aside from the infantile mimicking of Superman and alter ego Clark Kent (which is now really too absurd, I mean, he takes off his eyeglasses and the love of his life can't recognize him anymore?), I didn't even want glasses. It was always a sign of weakness for me, not intelligence. Of failing eyes. And of some people who didn't need the glasses but wanted to look different.Alter the ego somewhat. It looked so pretentious for me, as a kid, to not have eye problems and yet have glasses. It had to look pretentious or else it wouldn't make sense. Why the ruse? Hiding something? A cape under that suit or something a little more sinister?My grade five adviser, (I hope no one from DBTI reads this - ah what the hell - a schoolboy crush) cemented my young mind's position on this. She wore glasses and looked so, well, sophisticated in them. She had that aura she exuded with her overpowering perfume. That aura told you she was never wrong. And I never recalled she was.Once, she looked over her rose-tinted glasses and said something like this to her captive class: "These are high-grade lenses and I would that I didn't wear them. When I was young, I used to wear glasses even though I didn't need them, for purposes of fashion. Those didn't have any lenses but they weakened my eyes. Now it has taken it's toll on my eyes and I have grown increasingly dependent on them."That's karma maybe, but mine is irony. I've tried to push back glass and contact lenses for as long as I can remember. My parents have several varieties for reading and normal sight. Both of my sisters had them and, later, contacts. I hate fuzzing on contacts too. I don't like the rituals. And I've had my share of tiptoeing so as not to crush dropped lenses.

***

Dimmed Lights

Our NGO's nurses tell me I don't have 20/20 anymore. And now pterygium. No big tragedy, I guess. Only I wanted to die without fuzzing over my eyes much. But I guess my habits aren't exactly eye-friendly!So I must endure the shades, and yes, even be thankful for them. It was a good thing my sister saw it coming. That is my luxury. It is my luxury too that I can have pairs of these glasses and wear them when I'm under the sun.In our missions, the people just live with their growths and other minor eye diseases until they can work with them. Let me tell you, we have enough ophthalmologists! Our ratio is satisfactory! But as expected, what is left of them practicing in the native soil are not distributed properly. They crowd around the (paying) urban centers.Thus I am so grateful to our volunteer doctors and to those local ophthalmologists doing their work in the unglamorous parts of the archipelago.And these missions, even though they are the bread and butter of our NGO, even if they pay my bills, I say they aren't enough. They are just temporary solutions. The illness of our society permeates to the very eyes of its constituents! A permanent solution is sadly beyond our grasp because of the maladies we suffer. But not beyond sight.

the day without someone to hangs you!

i thought na magiging madali ito... but somehow it makes me unwell, di ko alam kung bakit.
tama ba ang ginawa ko? in my own point, its right to prove to myself na dito ako...
kaw ba? are you sure you're on your right way?

ginawa ko ito para sa lahat... higit lalo sa akin. yoko ng may iniiwan... but i just did )': ang sama ko noh? but can you please understand kung bakit. kasi bakit pa? ang hirap ng sitwasyon ko.

"Poor... Homesick na ko, without you"

hope to overcome this. mahirap, masakit, and i'm afraid to loose all the memories we've shared. sana walang ending ang isang relationship. tsk tsk tsk... feeling well with an iced tea.

bakit ko nga ba nagawa yun? na-carried away ako because of something na talagang gusto ko. it's all my fault. ang labo! but it's still the same as nang iwan pa din ako. but i'm just here! ang labo... can't explain why? buti pa ang iced tea always there to give you comfort, to fullfilled your thirst! hay...!!!

kasalanan ko ba na magkaganito talaga ang lahat? ok it's my fault! who cares di ba? buo pa naman ang relationship natin kahit na malayo ako. i'm just always staying in you. ano pa ba ang iniisip mo? nag-aalangan ka pa ba? i'm just saying the truth...

di naman tamang mang-iwan na lang ako sa ere.... dahil di dapat. tapos habang binabasa mo ito, napaiisip ka? bakit? para saan ba tong article kong ito? para kanino? di ba nga't para sa iyo? so what you're thinking of? are you drugs>> siguro minsan may pagka-adik tayo, we're on the high sensation nung andiyan pa ako, kahit naman ngayon... were still the people we used to be. walang magbabago. so ano pa ang iniisip mo? palagay mo ba sasabihin ko dito na mahal kita? waaaaah.... nevah! hehehe

bakit... akala mo ba sinulat ko ito para sa minamahal ko? >>>iniibig or sinisinta in other term<<< hindi para dun toh! it's for ou guys! miss ko na kayo! and hope you'll be here with me forever... umalis man ako! la na kasi ako natutukso at wala na rin sa aking tumutukso. hope to see yah,. it is an abnormal day without having an abnormal persons who hangs me up & down... (: